1. Compromise.
My client wanted me to build a website using a website builder with the domain registrar Go Daddy. I don’t like Go Daddy at all and though using a page builder means less work for me, I hate using them. They can limit a design I may want to implement. So the client and I clashed at first but then I learned that comprising with them is best even though I might not always like the results.

2. The Right Price.
I like receiving material items as payment rather than cash from my cousin. I know the things she buy benefits both her and me and helps with webdesign. Cash, however, is something I felt slightly uncomfortable receiving. When I got the money I felt like it was too much and I thought that maybe I should cut the cost. The reason being is that I didn’t do much at all, I used a page builder like my client wanted with a template. Anyone can do that. Then I thought, “Why not? I’ll be working on the site for a while, might as well use the cash as motivation.” I still don’t know the right price for using a page builder and template, at least when I do it on my own I feel better about receiving any kind of payment.

Anyhow I decided not to squander this opportunity. I have a start and now I need to build on it. The time I spent watching shows and reading fics will probably be reduced so I can focus on my job. Ha, I never thought it would’ve felt good to say that!

Anyhoooow, dramas now frustrate me. They used to be a real pleasure to watch but now its tiresome and boring. The ironic thing is that the dramas I’m currently watching would have been something I loved a few months back. If its one thing I hate are love triangles (a sign that Kdramas aren’t for me, these things are present in ALL). It sucks even more when I love the second male lead more than main a.k.a Second Lead Syndrome. S.L.S doesn’t occur often with me but its annoying to see the nice guy (second lead) always be put in the friend zone and the spoilt, annoying, jerk end up with the girl because he suddenly had a change of heart. Oh joy! -__-

Honestly its this one drama that seems interesting but because it follows this cliché, I am unmotivated to keep watching. Shinning Inheritance had the same thing but I really liked Lee Seung Ki, he’s so freakin’ adorable. x) But that was a while ago and even then I felt sympathy for the second lead.

It sucks even more when I love the second lead, he’s seems so sweet, even if a bit odd and the main lead is an asshole with no redeeming qualities. The girl is obviously going to choose the jerk and I like her so WHHYYYYYY?!! Hmm I seemed to have lost my logic somewhere, just because I like the female lead is not enough reason to actually question her taste in men. But I’ll still do it. I’m not naming the drama because I’m prematurely judging it here, I’m only on episode 4. ^^;;

Maybe the male lead will redeem himself in the future episodes, I hope he does because I’ll be so pissed after I finish this series and dramas are my feel good entertainment dammit! The sad thing is not only do I have Second Lead Syndrome but I love the supporting male character the most. He’s so fucking cute and sweet. Damn lead, why you got to be a rich, spoilt, asshole?! Ah well its the change I’ll be rooting for.

I should never blog at 2:30 in the morning, my lacking writing skills have seemed to slip even further down an abyss of no return. DRAMAS HAVE TAUGHT ME TO BE SO MELODRAMATIC. *TEARS*

Its always a ‘next’ time isn’t it? Its bullshit. She claims that she isn’t ready and next time she would be which seems senseless to me. The current situation is the perfect practice run of taking a risk because regardless of how it turns out, she’ll never face him again. And doing nothing doesn’t exactly prepare her for the ‘next’ time. I talked big in our debate and it made me think of what I would do in that situation. I don’t like talking to people, I’m very quiet and it is difficult to put yourself out there so I get where she is coming from.

I don’t want the guy I’m interested in to think negatively of me. What if he thinks I’m desperate? What if he tells his friends and they say shit about me? That would make my life more difficult. My thoughts became even more dramatic and for a moment I almost accepted that it was okay to not take a chance. Fear was getting the best of me. As time passed my thoughts changed to a more positive tune. My own friends taught me that before words even leave your mouth, they’ll already be saying shit. You don’t have to do or say anything but people will still say crap about you. If the guy I liked says shit about me then he’s not worth it and opinions aren’t permanent. He could change his opinion about me later on.

Rejection, embarrassment, and people bitching about me all pale in comparison to the definite death that awaits me. Most likely, however crappy I am feeling due to the things listed above, its not something that will scar me for the rest of my life. It might be something I will grow and learn from. Taking risks in life is the only way you can truly live. People will laugh, they’ll say bad things, bring you down, you’ll probably cry and get frustrated but in between all those fucked up emotions there exist the good things too. We always tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive and its our attitudes that changes our perspective. In most cases waiting is simply an excuse. For me, putting off something makes me think of it less until it doesn’t seem important any more. So many people end up in unhappy, unhealthy relationships and dead end jobs because they’re in waiting or too afraid.

The debate between my friend and I made me think of how I need to be more conscious about my actions and that I need to push myself more. If I follow my own advice she might see more credibility to it. This applies to anything we want in life, this blog merely stemmed from a conversation about a guy. You just need to go after your metaphorical guy. I’m going to attempt to overcome my social anxiety and I know its going to be difficult but CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

I remember reading somewhere that it’s okay to be politically incorrect and I’m always holding back my thoughts because I’m afraid I don’t know enough about a subject to form an opinion that is not ignorant. I should face the truth. It is not about being not ignorant (though sometimes it is), it’s about peoples’ opinions about my opinion. There are also times when I don’t care enough about something to bother forming an opinion on it. I always wanted to be a very opinionated person and I do have many opinions – they’re just not very strong opinions. I can’t form black and white or very solid opinions like the people I usually admire, mines change according to circumstance and situation. Maybe I’m open to many different perspectives and sometimes I’m not. I don’t really know.

I also realize I like or not really like but just end up talking about myself a lot. My blog revolves totally around my thoughts on who I am and what I do. It seems horribly narcissistic. But I’m not trying to be. I’ll be 19 years in a month and I’ve realized its the most confusing time of my life. I feel like there is a gap forming with who I want to be and who I’m turning out to be and which one is better. This is where my thoughts get confusing and jumbled and I can’t seem to follow any more. But that is why I write all this shit down because I’m trying to figure out who I am and what I want in life. It sounds so damn corny; ‘who I am’ and all but yeah I’m experiencing teenage angst. Oh joy.

Despite this being a public blog I don’t write for a reader which is probably some top golden blogging rule I’m breaking. I don’t give a damn any more. I write to get shit out. I hope it’ll help me in life but sometimes it makes me realize how stupid I am. It doesn’t actually give me any clarity on life. Shit, I thought puberty was bad. The fuck is this?

Ya know I think my blog titles are going to contain the word ‘musings’ from now on, I quite like it.

Soil is important. I am quite grateful people enjoy studying about it but for me it is possibly the most boring field of study given to me by my university. I wish I could choose all my courses rather than do things I find incredibly boring. Of course this leads to immense procrastination and its the day before my due date for 5 lab reports. I have not begun writing them up, instead I read ‘life lessons’ blogs, draw up motivational study posters, browse deviantart and write this blog.

There are five, very long, tedious lab reports that I must complete but I can’t bring myself to care much about them. It is irresponsible on my part and to think I am going to be doing this for the next 3 years of my life. As much revaluation I do, I always arrive at the same answer, this is not the course for me. I just don’t have the balls to switch. I at least want to have a backup if my desired venture turns out to be a fail. That is the excuse I always tell myself.

I arrive at university and its the same. I meet people and I’ll talk about things they like. Don’t get me wrong, I’m interested in it but nothing could get me sparkle eyed, struck silly with love unless its Asian entertainment or web designing. And then there was a DOKI DOKI moment. xD

I met someone.

He not only listens to Korean groups like Big Bang and Super Junior, he’s an anime fan who watches things other than Bleach and Naruto. The thing that made me want to jump in excitement is that he’s the first person I met offline who likes, scratch that, loves Gintama. HOLY SHIT THINGS JUST GOT REAL. He also draws (rather good) and is actually thinking about pursuing a career in art. Oh and his music taste ranges from the Beatles to 80′s to fucking reggae. Can I just fucking say I love this guy.

Not in a romantic way but I just found a friend who shares the same types of joy with me. I would have been contented if he had only one thing in common (preferably Gintama) but no, I got the whole fucking cake. I want to talk to him more but I don’t want my focus on him draw attention, my friends have already starting making fun of me with him. Its just nice to have people in real life have things in common with me rather than just online friends. Those are the people I am going to spend the next 3 years of my university life with and for once I want to show my excitement about something instead of restricting it to me, my computer and my room.

While walking with waves of emotional turmoil, frustration and self hate emanating from my being I couldn’t help but notice the half naked, rags of clothes vagrant in front of me. This man who had far less than I did, lacking basic necessities compared to the very fortunate me who had clean underwear and last Sunday’s leftover food to munch on was doing something extraordinary. Normal people might have thought he was crazy and seen it as nothing important. But somehow I was amazed.

He was dancing. You know, the movement of limbs and body to the beat of his own singing vocals. Dancing. In the freaking hot excruciating sun among crowds of people with problems I rather not imagine myself having. I was shocked. I get it, he might be mad, he might be unaware of his actions but somehow it was fascinating. He seemed happy. Maybe he was, maybe not. But at the time he seemed much happier than I was and however crappy I was feeling just seemed to fade when I saw this crazy man happily dancing. If he was happy then why the fuck should I let anything affect me so negatively? Maybe I read into things to deeply, saw the scene as more than its meaning but I was inspired.

I choose my happiness. Not always but there are many times where I choose to let things affect me more than they should and happiness takes a back seat to the urge of wanting to kick something or knock someone down. When I start feeling like this, I always think about that scene. I am fortunate and I should be grateful for all that I have and sometimes I should just dance. When things feel like its unbearable or that I am too tired to even more I remember that I am alive and lucky and I am surrounded by people I love and happiness and I should just dance. It makes me wonder how many moments in life we write off as nothing special and never realize the importance of it.

There are four things I took away from that conversation, his words to me were:
Tattoos are satanic, demon worshipping symbols.
If you do not believe in ‘absolute truth’ (I think it refers to the bible??) then you do not believe in God.
You need to find yourself.
Um I forgot the last one. xD

Those things go against my beliefs. The bible is boring, I am not going to waste my time reading it. What I have read just riles me up and confuses me so to save me the emotional turmoil I will avoid it. I don’t appreciate someone dictating what I do and do not believe in. I have the right to choose. I don’t believe tattoos or types of music to be evil at all. As for ‘finding myself’ I have a whole lifetime to do that. My mom said he meant religiously but that will never happen.

Saying my tattoos are evil is the same as me saying that I believe some of his words are crap. But I didn’t tell him that and I wondered how unfair that was. Now that I think about it, if someone attacks my beliefs, I’ll defend them but I’m not going to attack your beliefs. If he is too narrow minded to see things from another point of view, there is no sense in wasting my breath to show him that things are not so black and white. It was an interesting conversation though I’ll avoid discussing religion in the future with him and I hope he does not try to push his faith upon me.

Honestly this blog was going to be a rant but as I was typing I realized I should simply look at things differently and not let it affect me. I like that blogging helps me to come to realizations.

I have dreamt about this moment for the past few years and now that I’m taking driving classes, I’m a lot more enthusiastic and excited about getting a car. Although I am rambling on about driving and owning a car, I’m not actually getting a vehicle for about two years or so. It depends on my dad. His one major contribution in my life is probably helping my buy a car.

I like driving a lot. Maybe in a few lessons I’ll be bored out of my mind but my first class was a great experience. It was my first time driving, my instructor was a cool guy, he said that I was a brave person and for a first timer I drove well. Major confidence boost, I was smiling the whole time behind the wheel. He also let me drive home. :D My second class was today with another instructor but it wasn’t as fun and my new driving instructor was very focused on my driving meaning less conversation and fun; he was basically more professional which is better. I also drove less today but at least I’m one step closer to my dream of driving anywhere.

1. Cutting down on eating meat.
For almost 2 years the only meat I eat is fish. I gave up chicken, beef, pork and all other types of meat, ‘land’ meat. Some people consider it vegetarianism but I don’t. Fish is still meat so I never understood what those people meant. Anyhow, I don’t have a specific reason for doing it, I just wanted to try it for a while. It actually stemmed from me wanting to commit to something but its not very difficult as I’m not a big meat eater. The only hard part is inconveniencing people, I feel bad when they have to go out of their way to satisfy my eating requirements. :/

2. Web designing.
Maybe it was because I started doing to this when I was very young but web designing is one of the longest hobby I’ve committed to. I don’t practice drawing and playing the guitar as much as I create websites. However, lately I’ve found that I’m losing interest in it but there are times when I can dedicate days to coding a design. I guess it depends on my mood.

3. School.
Not something I have much choice in. The day I choose to stop going to school is the day my mother may stop supporting me, so going to school is something I’m committed to doing. Not much to say about this.

4. Friendships.
Friendship takes commitment to maintain. Its like any other relationship, it requires effort whether we realize the effort we’re putting in or not.

5. My Life List.
Yes I have one of those and it may be a half assed effort at times but I want to complete as much as I can on that list. However my commitment to it really sucks, I might take a few months just to get one thing done. That’s not much of a commitment is it?

There are many things in my life that I want to do such as playing the guitar, dancing or even drawing but I don’t dedicate as much time as I should to it. I’m lack the drive and that commitment, I get bored quickly and I get distracted easily. Its something I should work on. ;___;